The Six Types of Friends You Don’t Need When Life Really Sucks




This was the advice I was given by a ‘friend’ after I had shared with him about my wife’s cancer diagnosis. I considered him a good friend and one who might be willing to journey with me through this tough season of my life. But now I’m not so sure. You see, the real message of this simple statement — “You can’t wallow in self-pity forever” — is not hard to decipher if you read between the lines. My ‘friend’ may have meant it as some pep talk — in fact, I’m sure he did — but all I heard was judgment: “Your feelings are unreasonable; They amount to self-pity; You have spent long enough grieving, and it’s time to get better; I am getting a bit tired of supporting you; Why can’t you just go back to the way you were before.” Sometimes, it’s hard to know what to say to someone who is suffering. If you struggle to find the right words to say to a person who is hurting, you’re not alone. As a general rule, it’s not easy to respond to someone who has lost a loved one, been fired from their job, received terrible news, or is going through a mental health challenge. But take it from me: when it comes to emotional pain and suffering, there are good and bad ways to respond, and many people feel ill-equipped to know the difference. I’m not a counselor or a psychologist, but I have the authority of one who has suffered and is suffering, and I can tell you what does and does not work for me. The kinds of unhelpful responses I have received fall broadly into six different categories. If you are supporting someone who is going through a hard time — and many of us are — then don’t be like one of these six types of friends.